She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
