I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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