I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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