i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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