I wish you could order shots online.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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