Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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