I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
