I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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