Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
All I want is dick and wine.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
