I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Randomize
