Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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