sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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