i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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