Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Im part way to drunk.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
