She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
