I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
