I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
