Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
