I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
