i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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