What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
