That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Randomize
