How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
