Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
