I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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