Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
