You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
We're too hungover to prance.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
