I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
being pregnant is like rehab
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
be right there i have to get my cape
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
