My sheets look like a crime scene.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
