I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
