I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
