I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
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Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
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Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.