i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”