This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
