mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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