my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
