god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
