I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
