saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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