also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i was born a porn star she said
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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