if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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