i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
