Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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