do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
