we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
