Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
