It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
