We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
