if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
