a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
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