i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
