i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
