We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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