I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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