I'm so fucking centered right now
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Randomize
