Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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