i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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