You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
my liver is dry heaving
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
